1 post tagged “kids”
You now have kids, everything changes. Everything. I mean it, every, thing, all of it. Ummm, everything.
You might think "But I can still..." no you can't.
"What do you know, I'll be able to..." no you won't.
"Screw you I'll get a..." Nice try, you can't afford it/them/him/it/a drug habit or a criminal record. Fantasy time is over, the reality button has been pressed and you are now living life, for real. Welcome. This is your orientation programme. Welcome to life V 1.0.1. Forget what you knew it all changes. You just got promoted to the big boys league, time to man up (feel free to change specified gender in any of my posts, where appropriate).
One of the things I would change back is the frequency with which I hear the word "no". Before kids, if I'd a pound/dollar for everytime I had heard the word "no" I'd have had a big bag full of cash and been a happy man. Not Howard Hughes/Donald Trump kinda minted but comfortable, enjoying life, happy to float along and enjoy my riches. I might not be jetting through the skies in my own 747 but I wouldn't quite be delivering spicy barbecue cheezey(sic) pizzas on a 50CC Honda Moped at 1pm to the unsleeping perma-drunks more commonly known as students.
FFW 3 Years.
Now, if I got a pound/dollar for every time I hear the word "no" I would currently own you, and you would have a tattoo of my butt on your forehead just because I'd find that amusing. I'd also have your cellphone/mobile number and I would have you type this out as I lay in bed in dictating it to a troupe of handpicked buxom wenches who would then relay it to you over the ether. Oh and I'd rename the UK, The Republic of Really Quite Splendid and Lovely People and Stephen Fry* would be Queen.
The word "no" is genetically implanted upon the DNA of all new borns. It is ingrained into their very souls and there is nothing you can do as a parent to reverse that genetic selectivism. It takes years of skilled labour and intensive around the clock tutoring for a child to even consider using the word "yes".
It's as if "yes" is made of anti-no and as any Star Trek/Sci Fi nerd; sorry, aficionado would tell you matter and anti-matter cannot co-exist within the same temporal plane. And so it is with no and anti-no it just cannot exist within the same human body. The no repels the yes just like the north and north of a compass will repel. OK that's a bad illustration, but like I said if I had a dollar/pound for every "no" my kids said to me I'd employ someone much smarter, funnier, better looking than me to write this, you wouldn't be reading it because we'd all be on my own private continent drinking Mai Tais and eating gold plated caviar off of platinum errr, platters.
Kids? Just say no...
P.S. I made front page on VOX featuring on their [This is Good]. Thanks to all who voted for it and thanks to all who commented, It's appreciated it really is.
* For non UK residents; Stephen Fry is really quite lovely and indeed splendid, and has appeared in many plays/T.V. Shows/Films and written books. If you don't know him increase your lovely factor by seeking him out and engaging your artistic sentiments in his works. It really will be worth it, and you'll laugh as well. YAY!
