1 post tagged “guests”

Distribution: Global

Effective from date: Immediate

Having stayed in a few hotels in my time, I'd like to write an open letter to anyone who's run/running/managing/working/thinking of working/has people they know who work in the hotel industry.

Please consider the customer; please think about us poor souls, miles from home, not always on holiday, you are our defence against a hostile and uncaring world. We suckle at the teat of your giant bosom of hospitality to feel the succour of a steady hand, and warm heart in our hours of doubt, trepidation and midnight snacking. You are the wellspring from whence we dive forth, you are the rock to which we cling, you are the mother hen we are your chicks.

And yet...

Why would you run a hotel (for hotel read; any place providing paying customer food and board) for the convenience of yourselves, seemingly at great personal sacrifice and implement a "customers always wrong policy"?

When the customer turns up at your front desk, ready to book in don't say "You're not here for another month". Quite clearly you are wrong. We are there right now, with cases, expecting two double rooms.

Don't then suggest that we are off our-heads-on-loony-dust type crazy for daring to walk through your portals a full month ahead of the schedule your computer is showing you. Maybe, and this is such a wild and crazy thought, it might even create a revolution in hostelry, maybe the computer, which presumably you or a staff member programmed, is displaying the wrong details? Could it be that? Possibly? 

If we order two double rooms don't take the booking and then offer us a fetid, stinking, near-swap that contain two "beds" that we think may have been used by professional wrestlers to practice jumping off the ropes onto, such was the state of distress the springs appeared to be in. And what is with placing a selection of rags, which we assumed were replacements to toilet paper such was the staining and general appearance onto the foot of either bed. It was like finding two, pre-chewed mints on the pillow.

You might also want to re-consider what the term "room service" might mean. I, the weary traveller, take it to mean that should the need arise and I wish to have some kind of beverage or food delivered to my room then I can so do it. And here's a novelty, what about making that service a 24 hour phenomenon? Huh? If a "guest" calls reception at 3AM, after returning from work he doesn't expect the following:

Receptionist: "(huge sigh on answering) Yes?"

Guest "Is that reception?

Receptionist: "(flat monotone) Yes."

Guest: "Ah good. Do you do room service?"

Receptionist: "(flatter more monotone) Yes. (stifles yawn)"

Guest: "Great, I'm starving, just finished work. I was wondering if I could get some room service, a sandwich maybe some crisps or nuts?"

Receptionist: "When would you like them for?"

Guest: "Errr, umm."

Receptionist: "7:15?"

Guest: "Err, no, umm, sort of asap, now?"

Receptionist: "Room service is until 11PM and resumes at 7:15AM"

Guest: "Err, well I am very hungry could I come to collect it from reception?"

Receptionist:  "Room service is until 11PM and resumes at 7:15AM"

Guest: "Yes, righto, but could I come down to the front desk, or wherever in the hotel and collect it myself, I don't mind"

Receptionist:  "Room service is until 11PM and resumes at 7:15AM"

Guest: "Hello? Yes, I understand. However I am feeling light headed with hunger, so would appreciate some kind of snack to tide me through till breakfast. What sandwiches do you do?"

Receptionist: "Beef, tuna, cheese and tomato, cheese and ham, plain cheese, egg and cress"

Guest "Ummm, great, I'll have a tuna sandwich please."

Receptionist: "The kitchen is closed and opens for breakfast at 6:30"

Guest: (temperature rising) "What about if I come and get a packet of crisps?"

Receptionist: (confused) "We don't sell crisps."

Guest: (exaggerated patience) "No. But your bar does. What if you pop through, grab a bag from the big bowl of them I saw on the bar and I'll come collect them, I'll even give you the £2 tray charge?"

Receptionist: "The bar opens from 10:30"

Guest: "What if I come down to the reception, with the complimentary pen left on my bedside table and with it I cut out your liver and eat it in front of your dimming consciousness?"...

Why do you run room service at your own convenience, instead of that of your guests? Why do you do that? Why? Tell me? Interested to know? Why? It's a service. To the room. A room service if you will, a service, which provides the customer with, oh I dunno, stuff sent to the room. For the guests convenience. You can even charge for it, make some extra out of the hungry-at-3-am-types. Think of it as lardy tax. Don't half offer a service especially when we are paying your wages. How many phone calls or towel emergencies do you have in your average hotel at 3AM in the morning? Surely they could train the receptionist to butter some bread, put some sort of filling on it and grab some crisps from the bar? My three year old can make a peanut butter sandwich, and she's up at stupid o'clock sometimes, give her a job.

If you have a restaurant in your establishment can I offer some advice? Thank you. Don't get complacent. Just because you have a captive audience doesn't mean we drop our standards so don't loose yours. Don't offer "Thai Fishcakes" and just give me two. Barely complying with the trades’ description act just makes you look mean. Don't compound the error by making them just slightly big enough to eclipse a 50 pence piece (international translation 'kin small). Also don't put three leaves of rocket, some onion and half a tomato, it's too big to be garnish and too small to be a salad, it's a waste of greenery. Promised with said Fishcakes was Thai sweet chilli sauce. I like TSC as I call it (in this post I do), we have a bottle at home, we get through it, because we all like it. If you offer a sauce with your meals let the guest decide how much they'd like to put on their food. Don't leave a meagre drizzle on the side of the late, which looks more like an accident than an acci-meant. It looks mean, give some sauce in a bottle to the guest, let them bathe in the stuff it they so desire.

If you offer a flavoured mash; horseradish, spring onion, cheese, make sure that said mash actually tastes of said flavouring, not that it merely contains such an ingredient. I am fed up ordering under spiced, under seasoned and under flavoured food, but being over charged for the privilege. Stop it now.

If a guest orders a dish, and leaves more than 90% of it, maybe the waiting staff might enquire if all is ok. Not wait for the guest to volunteer their displeasure. Don't then just remove the dish without a further sound! Maybe the guest is alerting you to a problem they want rectified? Who knows? Well, actually I do!

When in America you get a small coffee percolator in your room, with one-shot bags of filter coffee to go in it, tastes great as easy as a kettle and better than the granulated sweepings we are forced to drink in the UK. Boiling a kettle that I presume was designed for a dolls house. Into cups that have handles I can never get my finger through. What is with that? Give me a 'kin mug, I want a big mug in my room, and not just the one paying to be there.

OK, well not anyone establishment has yet to blow me away with its hospitality, and the above is an amalgam of many years touring/gigging. If you are in the industry maybe thinking more about what the guest wants and less about how you can apply the rules would make life a damn more pleasurable for all concerned and hopefully give you more repeat business.

Oh, and wipe your tables down properly, no one likes having to peel their book off the table and loose half the cover in the process, just a little tip from me to you all.

So if you wanna book me a bad hotel but have a great performer come and do his Borat Lookalike Tribute Act then call me on 07968 756595

www.boratmakeglorioustributeactto.com

(better Martin?!)