1 post tagged “brithday”
Happy Birthday Dear Jove
Happy Birthday Dear Jove
Happy Birthday Dear Jovey
Happy Birthday Dear Jove
sung to the tune of Happy Birthday.
The naming day went of with a hitch, yup, you read that right, WITH a hitch. Jem and I with the able assistance of BIL and SILBPTB (Sister in Law by proxy to be), and my parents were nicely adding decorations, tidying and generally making the house presentable for guests, not that we live in a pit, but well I'm sure you are familar with the whole dash, push, tuck, stuff, hoover, "Don't open that cupboard!" routine.
It's 10:30, the guests start to arrive from 11, well the parents-in-law do, and most people are coming from 12PM onwards. My Dad comes in from the garden where he's assembling the gazebo and says, "Hey you got a flood", a smidge of an understatement. I look out to see water and raw sewage flooding out of the drain covering the patio.
SOD!
Action stations, eschewing the advice to phone a plumber; can you imagine the call? "An Emergency you say, now you say, at weekend rates?" I can actually hear the sound of air been sucked in through teeth, the shaking of the head and the hands being rubbed together. I leap into action, or rather I fly into a panic, same thing right?
My dad whisks me to B&Q, which I now think stands for Buy and Queue, 10 checkouts 2 open, get more staff or reduce the number of checkouts, simple. Don't give the pretence of caring whether we queue or not, get more staff or stop wasting you money on tills. I digress, we buy enough rodding equipment to start a franchise of Dyno Rod, coveralls and gloves, a 5 litre industrial strength container of strong liqud bleach which says in small print on the back of the container "WARNING; CONTAINS STRONG LIQUID BLEACH" err, yeah, the whole product label kinda let me know that, ta. And some stuff which comes in a plain box which simply says on it "DANGER; HIGHLY CORROSIVE DO NOT INHALE, INGEST OR ALLOW TO COME INTO CONTACT WITH SKIN." and a picture of a skull and crossbones, cool.
We dash home, I suit up, Dad sets up the power jetter and we are good to go, on lifting the manhole cover I am confronted by what I can only describe as pooh-fest pool. Basically it's every pooh from everyone forever. First rule of Baby Club, Don't Flush the Wipes, Second Rule of Baby Club, DON'T FLUSH THE WIPES, even if they say 'kin flushable on the lable. My first thought is, wow that corn really doesn't digest and it floats too. My second thought is more of a gagging, semi vom as the smell hits my nose. If a smell could get violent and do physical harm this one would have been on it's toes down the road with your iPod.
I start to rod and pray that is going to work, a few hard shoves and the whole lot starts to gurgle and foam, and the level starts to drop eventually leaving behind what I will describe politely as a big-stinking-pile-o-crap-n-wipes. That does not describe as vividly as I would want it to, I then had to manually (with gloves on of course) evacuate the inspection way. Scooping as best I could one hand at a time into some plastic sacks. Now then if you're thinking, yeauuuchhhh you may want to stop reading, it's about to get worse.
Several guests had arrived, I found this out in a slightly unconventional manner. What happens after a car journey? Yup, people need to use the loo, and guess who's basically at the other end of the pipe? On the receiving end of what I am going to think of as a "Gillian McKeith - You Are What You Eat" moment.
I then have to bleach, power wash and clean the residue from the tide of odure and hope that;
A) Our patio doesn't stink of week old pooh
B) Our patio deesn't stink of hour old bleach
C) I don't stink of week old pooh and hour old bleach combined
Couldn't get worse? Right? Wrong...
As I am power washing I suddenly realise that in my all in one with hood I am not alone and there is this buzzing sound right by my ear, suddenly my brain conjours the word "Wasp" and a mental image of me with a huge swollen ear/face for the pics. I rip back the hood and start to swat at my head slapping my hair and dancing a jig. When I suddenly realise where my gloved hands had been moments earlier. I was basically giving myself a little known, rarely used hair treatment of pooh-n-go, or shit-n-shoulders.
Anyway, got it cleaned, made the grade, it didn't smell, neither did I, we eventually had the naming ceremony, which I will leave to Jem to describe, an hour late due to Guide Parent tardiness! It was lovely, boy was welcomed to the world and today we play with him and all his new presents!
Gotta go, they are all up now.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOVE MY BEAUTIFUL BOY!!!
