Memo: RE: emails

To Whom it May Concern.
Date: 1st October
Effective from: Immediate

Going forward, henceforth and forthwith,

Spammers please note:

My penis is sufficently enowed, as are my breasts and I do not wish to participate in any drug trials, presciption drug procurement or hairloss therapy. I am erect, painfree and have the requisite amount of hair in exactly the right places thank you for your concern though it is duly noted.

Also, I have never bought lottery tickets for the Dutch, Portugese, Irish, French, Italian, Nigerian or Luxembourgian lottery, though should I do so I will not be providing my email address to the person who sells me the ticket, preferring instead to take a more traditional route and monitor the media of the country involved. Should that prove problematic I'll simply go to the relevant website to check my numbers failing that I'll call the number on the back of the ticket.

Further to this I am not partial to any form of time share, either Spanish, Bulgarian or any of the former Soviet satellite states, prefering instead to accumulate my own paper money in a pile in the garden and ignite it there. However should I ever wish to purchase a property abroad then I think I'll visit the country first to ensure it is suitable for our needs. But thanks anyway.

Sandra-ha, Sandra-he, Sandra-hi, and Sandra-ho, (a coincidence? or are is that a common name in your country?) I'm afraid the links to the girl on girl action aren't working, I diligently checked every one of your many, many emails and I'm afraid that I was unable to witness the "hot lesbian action involving strap-ons and hard anal, doggy style action" despite you generously sending me them to me dozens of times. You might want to check things at your end?

MattM-69er, FYI, I really am not that interested in seeing large hairy men "going at it" but should my tastes change I'll keep your recommendations for future reference. I also appreciated you thoughtfully chosing to attach a picture of either your good self and/or a friend(s), engaged in your recreational pursuits. My, they are quite large, hairy and, umm, hard, as you so rightly point out. The rotund fellow with the ball gag was certainly being very friendly, especially to the little chap in the leather trousers. Who'd thought he would have managed to get it all in? He's truely talented, gifted even. Please pass on my congratulations and I do hope the little chap hasn't suffered any lasting trauma.

If anyone from eBay is reading maybe you'd take a check through your rosta of sellers and offer some kind of business course for beginners? Just offering a little advice because every day I receive emails featuring auctions offering Fendhi, Gucci and D&G trainers plus loads of "Designer Goods" that will save me "$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$'s" on "Mall prices", amazing! How do these guys do it? Maybe it's a loss leader? Or maybe the guys selling the are going to go out of business a bit sharpish because they don't understand how a profitable business is run? The stuff on offer is sooo resonably priced they can't be making much profit at all. Maybe you need to have a word? Otherwise they are not going to be in business long. Also I am in the UK so surely that should be £££££££££££££££'s? and "High Street" rather than "Mall" prices really. Sorry to be so picky, but I just want these fellows to do as well as possible seeing as they are so generous with their margin.

Ludwig, Helmut, Walt, Sheena, Freddy, and all the others, too many to name here thanks, Hello right backatcha.
Simone, Danielle, Starr, Gloria, I couldn't reach your homepages, maybe you have the same problem as the Sandras above? Maybe you could re-send them? Especially Gloria, I'm dying to see the "after" shots of your sex change I am sure it is very "neat".

Please note: I'm not in the market for s0ftware at the M0. I've n0 n33d f0r M1cr0s0ft 0ff1ce or any of the Ad0be programmes and am not in the habit of downl0ad1ng f0r fr33.

And Velma, I admire your persistance I really do but after 4 years of asking, no, I am not going to talk to you, or your lovely single lady friends. I have no requirement for that kind of thing, I go to a regular supplier who takes care of all my loving needs. Also bigamy is a crime in our culture so I really will have to turn you and your offers of marriage down in the strongest possible terms. Sorry.

To everyone who has taken the time to write in. Thank you, they are all really rather generous offers and I do appreciate you taking the time to "handpick me from dozens of applicants", even for things I don't remember applying for, I am flattered, really I am. But sorry I just want you to stop wasting your time, I am doing you a favour really I am, I'd say the same thing if you were to phone me, snail mail me or knock on my door. No use is trying to sell boots to a man with no feet. I'm not your target audience. Sorry, but, well that's just the way it is.

Thank you for thinking of me and goodbye.