An open letter to my brain

Dear Brain,

Thanks for taking the time to read this, I hope it's not too late and you are concentrating, feel free to make notes or come back later if you haven't got time for a heart to heart, heart; you're doing fine just keep pumping that blood about and we'll have no problems.

Ok, assuming you're reading on I'll continue... Now then we have been partners now for a number of years, circa 40 odd, quite exciting, not without turbulence but totally excellent times.

We've had the highs, ahh, and the lows, boo but we've always pulled through. Recently, Brain, I've noticed that you're become slightly unfocused, unclear as to what it is you want to do with the second half of our existance. I know you've thought of flirting with politics but believe me you have made scant headway in comedy, the breeding ground for politicians, so makes you think you'll do any better in the hilarious world of politics? You've thought about quitting, throwing in the towel and getting a "real" job, frankly you'd be better off with a hessian robe, tonsure and a vow of silence.

Currently you're writing skills are progressing, as is your comedic talents and it's nice to see it. You have, after all, invested heavily over the years in finding circumstances, events and happenings that any normal person would probably either have exorcised with therapy, religion or drink possibly all three or died but you pulled through and now you're here.

My question is, so what are we going to do next? I say we, obviously I fully back you in any decision you make and will follow you to the ends of the earth. Unless a Dr. Frankenstein has other ideas that is, in which case you may be on your own after a while.

I'd quite like to do more of the comedy, hanging around in pubs, getting up at 8am or later (kids allowing. Actually, as an aside could you have a word with their brains at the next brain social get together? Ask them to be a bit more tardy when it comes to the early morning shout for milk? Only if it's no bother though, cool.). I quite like the writing thing you do, gives me, body, time to relax, slouch and perfect that round shouldered "why-is-my-life-such-a-big-bag-of-pig-poo" look so in vogue at the moment.

Also, once you've settled on an idea, a vague notion or what some may call making a decision, could you then come up with just the vaguest of notions of how we could achieve it please. A strategy to succeed, a plan to pursue, offer me an outline, anything to help me get the ball rolling, after all I do hold back on the alcohol intake now, try to get at least 6 hours sleep and always try to provide you with the right nourishment which I do confess may be a bit heavy on the chocolate; sorry waistline, we'll have to chat later I'm kinda busy with brain at the mo.

So, what's it to be? You in or are you out? I'll be your Tyler Durden if you'll be my Ed Norton's character with no name in Fight Club. Only with less desire to eviscerate the heart of the capitalist culture. We could be like a pair of piratical maveriscks navigating the high seas of humour? If a plan evades you at the mo, then nay bother as our Caledonian cousins may comment. Let me make a suggestion? Ta.

Settle on a show idea, write a loose 60 min script, bash it into shape, tour it, go to Edinburgh next year, get noticed, get signed, get famous, get rich? What you say? In or out? Me and you? Partners? A double act if you will?

Feel free to call me, or write something so outstanding that I just have to go do something with it, because dammit I am fed up doing all the work. There I said it, it's out there. You really need to start putting in some hours if we are going to get this show on the road.

Look I am not down on you, out of all my organs you are my second favourite (thanks Woody...) and I respect you intently we've had some really good sexual fantasies together and your impression of a pissed person when I drink red wine and tequila is a hoot, a real party stopper.

So brain this is it, don't let me down, don't disappoint, I'm counting on you.

We all are...

Love you, we'll talk soon, hopefully. Please?